3 Straight by the Rules Read online

  “She would!” The second one pointed to me.

  Acting on instinct, I shoved the grail into my bag and rushed the angels, pushing between them like a quarterback making a drive for the end zone. Both were too surprised to stop me. As I fled the room, one of them said, “Hey, she broke our ping pong ball!”

  In the main hallway, angels still crowded near the smoking remains of the costume. Seeing me, they stopped jabbering, and their blue eyes widened. No one had expected an attack on home turf.

  Last time I’d visited Heaven, the angels had backed away in fear. But either Harmony had been spreading stories about what a tame demon I was, or they were too pissed off about the fire prank to be afraid because one of them shouted, “Get her!”

  I sprinted down the forested path, the angels at my heels. I ran past dozens of smooth-barked trees, frantically searching for my exit. The doorway to Earth had to be somewhere! But it was like running through a mirror maze. Everything looked identical.

  As Heaven’s atmosphere thickened, my suffocating demon clawed at my mind. She begged me to run faster, but a stitch in my side slowed me down. The forest loomed in every direction, and no way seemed like the right one. As the angels pressed in from behind, another group approached me from in front. My stomach plunged. Those clever creatures had split up, trapping me in between.

  Trying not to panic, I made a sharp turn off the path and into the woods. My side was now on fire. My lungs ached. Where do I go now? I asked my demon. But to my horror, she’d grown ominously still. I tried not to think about Calamity drooping in William’s hands when she’d spent too long away from Hell. I had to save my succubus! If I became stranded in Heaven, Grace, Ariel, and everyone else would never know what had happened to me.

  Unfortunately, I couldn’t run forever; not in Heaven. I had to shout for help. Harmony would be pissed off, and she’d make me return the grail, but at least she’d guide me home.

  The moment I opened my mouth to yell her name, however, my succubus tugged weakly at my conscious. She’d recognized something. Without thinking, I veered towards a doorway I couldn’t identify. Not Hell nor Earth, but someplace else.

  Clenching my teeth, I ran straight through it.

  I skidded to a halt in the middle an immense waiting room where thousands of rows of molded-plastic chairs had been placed in perfect lines. Demons, angels, and even humans filled nearly every seat. A video screen as large as the Jumbotron in Times Square read: Now Serving: 4,543,421,210. When the number rolled over to 4,543,421,211, someone cheered. Along the back wall stood a counter as long as a football field where clerks wearing ill-fitting, black blazers were helping people.

  What is this place? I asked my demon.

  She’d roused herself, but unfortunately, she didn’t know any more than I.

  On the far side of the room sat a large collection of desks where angels and demons examined books, charts and other documents. My succubus suddenly tugged on my mind like a little girl grabbing her mother’s skirt to get her attention. The heavy tote bag banged against my leg as she guided me forward. I passed by dozens and dozens of otherworldly beings, but the moment I reached the perfectly straight back of a thin-haired man wearing an impeccably pressed, navy blue suit, my inner demon shouted joyfully.

  For a moment, the blue suit confused me, then I recognized Helen’s former assistant. “Patrick!”

  He looked up, startled. “Lilith? What are you doing here?”

  Delighted, I hugged him hard, knocking his glasses askew. “You had me so worried!”

  “I’m fine,” he said, readjusting his glasses.

  I drew up a chair next to him. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Word in the otherworld is that Helen exiled you to the lowest levels of Hell.”

  “I know I’ve been gone for a few days, but you didn’t need to panic.”

  “A few days! It’s been over a month.”

  His eyebrows shot up. “It took me longer to access these records than I thought.” He shut the book in front of him and massaged his forehead. “Time moves strangely in Purgatory.”

  I eyed the endless lines at the information desk and the number on the Jumbotron screen. Purgatory. So that’s where we were. “How did you get here?” I asked.

  “I walked through a door. Same as you.”

  “Does Helen know?”

  “No. I’m working as a free agent now.” He smiled. “So you’ve decided to use her first name. Good for you!”

  “And you’ve gone Technicolor,” I said. “It’s a nice change.”

  His smile increased. “I realized that wearing white was a self-inflicted punishment, and a very foolish one at that. I’ve given up my hair shirts.”

  “I’m so glad!” I ran my hand over his sleeve, and admired the burgundy-striped tie. “Hugo Boss?”

  He nodded, pleased. “You’ve still got the best eye in Hell.”

  Several angels at the far end of the room were taking a great interest in me. Two whispered to each other while a third spoke into her cell phone.

  “I want to tell you about my research,” Patrick said. “You’ll find it very interesting.”

  “Later,” I said. “Right now, I need to get out of here.”

  He looked at me from over the tops of his glasses. “What have you gotten yourself mixed up in?” He eyed the bulge in my bag. “And what’s that you have?”

  “I’ll tell you later,” I promised. “Which way to Hell?”

  He glanced at the trio of angels and then pointed to an exit sign in a corner of the room. “Go on. I’ll distract them.”

  “Thanks.” I smiled gratefully. “And you’ll be back soon?”

  “Very soon,” he promised.

  I kissed his cheek, making him blush. “You have no idea how relieved I am.”

  His smile deepened. “Run!” he told me.

  Within minutes, I’d returned to my living room. I frantically searched for a place to stash the grail. Thinking the angels would immediately come to destroy me, I envisioned my own funeral. I’d lie in a silk-lined casket while wearing my black, Dior dress, a pair of Kate Spade sling backs, and the pearl choker my dad had gotten me when I’d graduated from U of M. Hopefully, Jas would remember to take the necklace off me after the funeral, and give the pearls to Grace. However, knowing Jas, she’d forget, and my decaying corpse would spend eternity with a beautiful string of akoyas around its neck. Then what would my daughter wear on her wedding day?

  But when no angels charged into my flat, I relaxed. I patted the comforting heft of the bronze cup inside the tote bag. This thing was my ticket to freedom and worth any risk I’d taken.

  Although I wanted to bring the icon to Helen, the day had taken its toll. Exhaustion dulled my mind. I needed to be as sharp as possible if I planned on going up against my demon overlord. As much as I wanted to bargain, I decided to wait until the next morning.

  I finally hid the grail in the one place I figured no one would look. Sitting in the kitchen’s walk-in pantry was an enormous, plastic container of clean kitty litter. Although I cringed at the idea of treating a holy icon with such disrespect, I figured it couldn’t be worse than drilling a hole in it to make a lamp. So, with a slight feeling of misgiving, I buried it beneath a layer of litter and went to bed.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The next morning, as I was about to take the grail to Helen, the front door opened. A moment later, Jas stumbled into the kitchen. She stank like cigarette smoke, her dress was rumpled, and her makeup clumped. She looked liked she’d been run over by Hell’s party bus.

  I lifted my eyebrows. “Rough night?”

  “Don’t judge me,” she muttered and headed straight for the coffee pot.

  Although this had been her typical morning behavior from the time she’d turned nineteen, her party side had mellowed since she’d met Tommy. In fact, I hadn’t seen her this wiped out since New Year’s Eve.

  “What happened to you?” I asked.

  She ignored me and po
ured some coffee.

  “Jas?”

  She blinked her bloodshot eyes. “Chrissie and I went out to celebrate my new job. End of story.”

  There had to be more to it, but she remained stubbornly silent. “Congratulations on the job, by the way,” I said, hoping to improve her mood.

  She didn’t even smile. Like her dad, Jas could produce a pretty good warrior’s face when she wanted to. “I’m moving out today.”

  “You found a place already?” I asked, surprised.

  “Not yet, but I’m moving in with Mom and Dad until I do.” She watched me with hard, flat eyes. “And Tommy needs a ride to the doctor’s office tomorrow afternoon. You should pick him up at two.”

  I felt like I was reading a book with a few chapters missing. “What’s going on?”

  Her warrior’s face slipped. Her lower lip trembled, and her eyes brimmed with tears. “It’s over between me and Tommy.”

  “Jas! You can’t mean that!”

  She slammed her mug down. “How can I stay with him when he’s got your name tattooed over his heart?”

  So he’d told her. Oh, shit. “Jas…”

  “Don’t! Just don’t.” She backed away from me. “He’s all yours. I don’t want him.”

  “It’s not what you think,” I said.

  “Really? Because I’m pretty sure it is.” Her complexion had gone pasty. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go puke.”

  I considered holding her hair while she retched, but I knew that would only upset her more. Instead, I went into my bedroom and dialed Tommy. When he answered, I didn’t bother with ‘hello’. “You showed Jasmine the tattoo? Are you crazy?”

  “I couldn’t stand lying to her anymore.” His voice held an edge.

  So far, the truth had caused me nothing but headaches, making me wonder if honesty really was the best policy. “What happened?”

  “Last night, Jas was so happy about her new job. She said that she wanted to find an apartment, so we could move in together. I want that too. More than anything! But I couldn’t do it without telling her the truth. She was bound to find out sooner or later.” He sighed, a sound of pure despair. “So I showed her the tat. She took one look at it and said we were through. What am I going to do?”

  “I don’t know,” I confessed.

  “What if you told Jasmine what you are? I mean, if you convinced her that you’re a succubus, she might understand.” Hope put a spark in his voice. “Maybe you could even give her a demonstration.”

  “Are you kidding me?” What did he expect me to do? Pick up strangers on street corners?

  “Look, I know it sounds weird…”

  “Weird? Try impossible.” I hated to throw water on his sand castle, but I had to make him understand. “First off, she’d never believe me. Not even with a demonstration. Secondly, you know Jasmine can’t keep her mouth shut! If I did convince her, she’d text my secret to everyone she knows.” I had a sudden image of trying to explain everything to my dad. And Ted. God! If he found out, he’d drag me into court and try to win full custody of Grace. “I’m sorry, Tommy, but I can’t.”

  “I thought you said you’d do anything for me.”

  “Anything but that.”

  “Anything but that and letting me go,” he said and hung up the phone.

  I put my head in my hands. Poor Tommy and Jasmine were reliving my dad and Evelyn’s nightmare. The allure of a succubus was driving them apart.

  If only I could release my hold on him! Once again, I wondered why my succubus had sunk her claws into Tommy so deeply. It probably had something to do with my damned contract. But if I got out of my contract...

  I still had time to see Helen before Kate returned with Ariel. Hurrying into the kitchen, I took the grail from the kitty litter. I wiped it clean, then for good measure, used a can of Brasso from under the sink to polish the brass until it gleamed like gold.

  Sick with anxiety, I went to see Helen.

  My demon overlord sat at her desk sorting through an immense pile of papers. Seeing me, she glared from over the tops of her steel-rimmed reading glasses. “Shouldn’t you be working?”

  “This will only take a minute.” I kept my voice steady, but my heart fluttered. I had to remind myself to breathe.

  She took off her glasses. “Well?”

  I cleared my throat. “I brought you something.”

  “What is it?”

  “It’s something wonderful,” I said reverently. I still couldn’t believe I had found the missing grail! Carefully, I unwrapped the cloth I’d draped around it and held it up for Helen’s inspection. “Isn’t it marvelous?” I hung onto the cup tightly, terrified she would try to steal it without agreeing to my demands.

  She frowned. “Marvelous? It looks like something you found in your neighbor’s trashcan.”

  “It’s the holy grail!”

  Her eyes widened as she recognized it. “Where did you find it?”

  I hated to admit my theft, but I had a feeling the story would add to the icon’s value. “I stole it. From Heaven.”

  Helen’s laughter is a terrible thing to hear, even when she’s happy. “How delightful! How utterly charming!” She stood up and reached for it.

  I took a step backwards. “I’ll give it to you, but first you’ll have to agree to some conditions.”

  That stopped her cold. “Are you attempting to bargain. With me?”

  “Yes.” Although my knees trembled, I held my ground. “First, I want you to let William and me out of our contracts. I also want you to release Delilah. And I want my mother’s diary back.”

  There. I’d said it. I figured Helen would give up the diary and probably me as well. I didn’t know about William, but his freedom was a deal breaker. Despite the bad energy flowing between us, I still wanted him out from under Helen’s thumb. Unfortunately, Delilah was my bargaining chip.

  Helen’s lips twisted. “Let me see if I understand this. In order for me to have the holy grail, the very cup that Jesus himself drank from on the night before I got a hold of him, I need to release you and William from your contracts, hand over your mother’s diary, and let Delilah go?”

  I nodded, my mouth too dry to speak.

  She rubbed her index finger under her lower lip as she thought. Dark merriment danced in her eyes. When she opened her mouth, I tensed and held my breath.

  She laughed.

  She laughed so hard she nearly fell sideways. When she finished, she wiped tears from her eyes. “Did you really think that would work? Bribing me with a piece of worthless brass?”

  “But…it’s the holy grail.” I looked at the object in my hands. “Isn’t it?”

  “Of course it is,” Helen said. “But why would I want it?”

  My eyes traveled to the bit of desiccated wood lying under the glass dome. “But you love your piece of the cross.”

  “That’s because I won it from Him. I care nothing for the holy grail. Nice try, though.” She returned to her desk.

  I gripped the grail with both hands. As my shock bled away, my temper surged. I’d gone through a lot of trouble, a lot of trouble, to get the damned thing and now Helen was chasing me away without so much as a reasonable counteroffer?

  Then I realized I was holding a holy object that had come straight from Heaven itself. If ever there was a perfect weapon against a demon, this was it. With a strangled cry, I swung it at her.

  I had been sure that Helen would burst into flames the moment the grail touched her. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Instead, it caught her squarely in the shoulder and made her stumbled forward a few steps. It didn’t slow her down, but it sure pissed her off.

  She turned on me, eyes blazing. “What are you doing?”

  I raised the grail over my head again, intending to beat her with it, but she plucked the cup from my hands. Her skin didn’t smoke or burn or turn to ash. She didn’t shriek or run away in terror. When she saw my stricken expression, she laughed again.

  “Oh, you sil
ly woman! Did you really think I’d be afraid of a little piece of brass?” When I didn’t reply, she asked, “Shall I pretend for you?” She backed away from the grail in mock horror. “Oh, no! The holy grail! Get it away! Get it away!”

  I wilted under her derisive laughter.

  Helen tutted in false sympathy. “Let me tell you a secret.” She came closer. “Do you know what I really enjoy?”

  I remained silent.

  “Watching the hope die in your eyes. It’s something I never tire of. For seven generations, I’ve seen it happen on the faces of all your relatives.” She put her finger under my chin and lifted it so that my eyes met hers. “Sarah only gave me that look once. For Carrie, it happened on three occasions. But you…you’ve delighted me at least a dozen times. Every time you build up your hope, I get to crush it and watch as the light in your eyes goes out. And once you’re gone, I’ll watch the same thing happen over and over again to your daughter.”

  My spirits, which were low to begin with, sank even farther.

  “That’s it,” Helen murmured as she watched me. “Give it up, Lilith. Let me see you suffer.”

  I jerked my head away.

  “Now, my lovely, I believe you have some temptations to work on. Get going.”

  I rushed past Delilah’s desk. She called after me, but I didn’t answer. I flung open the door, charged into the hallway, and ran straight into William.

  “Be careful,” he said angrily.

  “Then get out of my way,” I said, my voice husky. My chest heaved with suppressed sobs.

  “Eager to get to your next job, are you?” His eyes blazed. “How many hearts will you be breaking this time? A dozen? Two dozen?”

  Delilah came out of her office carrying the tote bag. “Miss Spry said you forgot this.”

  “What is it?” William asked.

  “It’s the holy grail,” Delilah said, awed.

  William’s eyebrows lifted. “The holy grail? What on earth were you doing with the holy grail, Lil?”

  I snatched the bag away from Delilah. “Nothing.”

  “What do you mean nothing!” Delilah’s eyes were wide. “Lilith stole the holy grail out of Heaven because she thought she could buy our freedom.” When I glared at her, she shrugged. “Miss Spry has a very loud voice. It wasn’t hard to overhear.”